Wear a hood with one eye hole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending
Advanced Astrodynamics 680" and mention that yesterday was the last
day to drop the class.
After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and yell:
"MY PACEMAKER!"
Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and
scream: "YOU!!! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question
directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you;
you'll have to ask **me**, "Winky Willy."
If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them a piece
of chalk, and ask: "Would you like to give the lecture, Mr. Smarty Pants?"
Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering, "tsk tsk."
Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."
Stop in mid lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.
Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.
Announce: "You'll need this," and write the suicide prevention hotline number
on the board.
Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know"
and move on before anyone can answer.
Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson in the local phone book by
the next lecture. Vaguely imply there'll be a quiz.
Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as
you pace back and forth.
Address the students as "worm".
Announce to students that their entire grade will be based on a single-question
oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any time.
Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping and begin softly singing spirituals.
Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put
on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name,
rank and serial number.
Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce: the
lecture's over when the bottle's done.
Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question,
have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
. . . with appreciation to Scott Anderson
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