But Cal State Northridge psychologist Corinne Wilburne Barker, Ph.D., said efforts to get people to verbalize their feelings may be going too far.

"Over the years, we have learned to address emotional processes as an important source of personal insight," said Barker, a counselor at the university and a licensed clinical psychologist. "Perhaps we have simultaneously created an adoration of verbal expression, and this has occurred to the exclusion of perceiving and respecting other styles of communicating.

"While the necessity of attending to emotional as well as intellectual functions should certainly not be dismissed, interpersonal relating also requires a mutual respect for others' individual styles of interacting," she said. "If one person - who may prefer, or is more skilled at, the direct verbalization of feelings - righteously assumes that others they relate to are inferior if they are not similarly skilled, any hope of mutually respectful contact is essentially doomed. This applies to all types of relationships: romantic, friendship, parent-child, teacher-student, employer-employee and collegial."

Barker said there are a variety of other ways of communicating one's feelings without a verbal exchange, such as a gift, a warm smile or even an affectionate touch.

She said some people express love by utilizing their own behavioral talents. For example, a socially-skilled wife might organize a surprise party for her husband, but be too shy to directly verbalize the intense feelings that motivated the event. A supportive spouse may postpone a career change so that his/her partner might return to school, but have difficulty saying "I love you." Or a teen-aged son might quietly go help his dad wash the car to apologize for instigating an unpleasant argument the night before, but need to scowl if his father lovingly expresses his gratitude.

"Often our focus on our relentless need for the direct verbal expression of feelings blinds us to seeing a subtle demonstration of emotion that may be just as sincere," Barker said.

Barker said different styles of expression are the products of a multitude of factors, from genetics to social, cultural, familial and environmental influences.

"While nobody uses purely one expressive mode, based on these factors each individual forms their own unique pattern of emotional expression," she said. "Different styles have their own properties such as dramatic, subtle, quiet, intense, open, private or soft. We each develop a style that has characteristics with which we are most emotionally skilled."

And just because a person is more skilled at verbal expression of his feelings, it does not mean that he is more psychologically developed. Barker said feelings can also "lie," pointing to a 85-pound woman suffering from anorexia nervosa who feels that she is severely overweight.

"In fact, too often, when there exists an imbalance in the degree, skill or desire for emotional expression between two members of a relationship, the temptation exists for the more expressive individual to project her own feelings onto the other and then react emotionally to those projections in order to fill the void and heal the imbalance," she said. "These projections are often delivered verbally as feelings that the other partner has to Ôown up to,' when actually they may be quite different from what the less expressive partner is actually feeling. Obviously, this creates further estrangement between the two."

Barker said that in all relationships it is important to minimize criticisms in an effort to maintain respect and maximize meaningful emotional contact.

"One must honor another's emotional style in much the same way that favorite colors are respected," she said. "It is rare for one person to assume superiority over another person's preference of colors. When two people are decorating a room together, compromise and flexibility of styles and preferences is required regarding favorite colors. The same type of interaction is necessary in designing a mutually respectful relationshipÑthe two differing emotional styles must be seen, honored and integrated."