As parents grill their children about not talking to strangers, Cal State Northridge child development professor Barbara Polland doesn't want them to forget that danger doesn't always lie with the unknown.

"Sometimes the wolf's already in the door and parents don't realize it. The wolf is someone who is probably trusted and liked or loved by the family," said Polland, author of No Directions on the Package: Questions and Answers for Parents with Children Birth to Age 12 and a nationally-recognized expert on sexual abuse prevention.

Polland pointed out that only about 24 percent of missing children are taken by strangers, and approximately 95 percent of the children under 10 who are sexually molested know their abuser.

"We need to stop putting the focus of potential danger on 'strangers' and be honest with children about where the danger lies," she said. "Parents need to tell their children that even someone the whole family likes and perhaps loves could try to hurt or sexually abuse them. People worry that we are scaring children, but I would rather a child be fearful and aware than be an innocent victim of an abuser."

Polland said an educated and empowered child has a better chance of not being victimized and offered suggestions as to how parents can better prepare their children for today's dangers.

She said it is important to help a child realize that their entire body must be considered "private."

"Children are often told that everything under their bathing suits is their private parts. But it's not enough," she said. "Pedophiles will tell you they prefer oral sex because it leaves no scar tissue or semen. How are children to know that their mouth is a private part? It is imperative from early on that children learn that their entire body belongs to them."

Polland said children also need to know that if something happens, it is never the child's fault. And no matter how anyone tries to threaten them into secrecy, it is important to tell someone they trust what happened.

"Even though many parents feel uncomfortable talking about sexual issues, they need to be very clear and specific with children because vague warnings will not offer the information that is needed," she said. "Children like checking their very own 'bathtub inspector' chart as they clean themselves," she said. "Young children need help washing their hair, but they can do everything else themselves."

Polland also suggested posting household rules, developed with input from your children, on the refrigerator door. Some examples include:

• If you change plans, call home and let someone know.
• If anyone tickles you, pats you, or roughhouses with you and refuses to stop when you ask, stay away from him or her or get help. People should respect your words and your right to say "stop."
• No one has the right to ask you to undress or to undress in front of you.
• If anyone tells you not to tell your parents something because you'll get in trouble, or because it's a secret, don't believe it. Tell your parents.

"You can talk about it later, but when the code is used everyone responds immediately," Polland said. "Parents need to listen to their children when they use it, just as they expect their children to listen to them."

She also suggested that parents develop a game in which they run through age-appropriate scenarios with their children, such as the family's favorite delivery man comes to the house and suggests taking little Timmy for a ride in his truck around the block. What should little Timmy do?

"The important thing is that parents don¹t freak out when they hear their child's reaction, otherwise the game's over," Polland said. "Instead, the parents can pretend that they've been given that same scenario and answer appropriately 'Gee, I'm not supposed to go anywhere without telling my mom or dad. I need to talk to them first before I can go.' Polland said even if parents take every precaution possible, there is no guarantee that something won't go wrong.

"But at least we can provide our children with as much information as possible," she said.