Ask EROS has anonymously published questions and answers from or
"Ask EROS Program" and "Ask EROS-online." Asked
by your fellow students, these questions were answered by our very
Why is it hard to tell my boyfriend that I love him?
How much is too much when dressing for a date?
had sex, my boyfriend has not...
Can I find information on the EROS clitoral therapy
does someone get therapy if they're concerned they
may abuse someone?
love him, but he's got a girlfriend...
EROS, Why is it difficult to me to say to my boyfriend
that I love you? Signed, Tongue tied
Tongue Tied, You are not alone in
this predicament. Love makes us vulnerable, open to incredible pain
as well as incredible joy. Many people are afraid to express that
kind of deep emotional feeling because they are afraid of the consequences:
that they won't be loved equally in return, that they'll get hurt,
that they can't muster that kind of trust, that dealing with feelings
doesn't come easy to them in the first place, that we tend to think
of love as a forever concept, and it's really hard to commit to
that at a young age, not knowing what the future will bring.
recommend taking your time, making sure it really is love, that
you can weather adversity together, argue together, share similar
values before you voice that incredible vulnerability.
EROS, I want to know, in a serious world, when dealing
with date rape and suggestive dressing and all the other things
that go along with dating in your 20s, and in the West Coast attitude,
how much is too much? How nice can a woman really be without being
a tease?? How provocative before she is a slut? And also, has society
had an impact on how women are subjected in the real world? Do men
really take us seriously? or do they want to see us naked instead?
Do music videos and pop culture have a major influence in how women
are perceived? Sorry about the question but I am doing a paper and
there isn't too much information on what is the going trend for
women in the 90s. Thanks, Melissa
Wow! You've asked some whoppers! We don't know if we have any answers,
just our opinions, and we certainly don't want to write your paper
for you. We have enough of our own! We'll offer you our take on
these one at a time.
How much is too much? How nice can a woman really be without being
a tease?? We think very nice. We think this is a function of good
communication skills. We were trained using the CORE model, that's
used in business, and found it has many applications in the dating
world as well.
C= Clarify your intentions (this is not always easy)
O= Explore your options
R= Reach an agreement (This may be agreeing to disagree)
E= Enjoy or exit (If there is no meeting of the minds, you exit)
How provocative before she is a slut? Slut is a loaded term for
us. But we understand what you're asking (we think). There's an
old saying that you only have one chance to make a first impression.
If you're dressing like you want sex, but the words that come out
of your mouth are things like "I'm saving my virginity till I'm
married," then you are clearly giving a mixed message to a potential
date or partner.
has society had an impact on how women are subjected in the real
world? Do men really take us seriously? Yes, of course society has
had an impact on how women are seen in the world. A patriarchal
system for the last few hundred years certainly has made women seem
like second class citizens. The advertising industry has definitely
had an impact. We'd recommend you see a film called Killing Us Softly,
for how women are viewed in the media. As for men taking us seriously--that's
a sweeping generalization. Some do. Some don't. It's as simple as
or do they want to see us naked instead? Most of the straight ones
probably do, whether or not they take us seriously.
Do music videos and pop culture have a major influence in how women
are perceived? Yes, see answer to #3.
luck with your paper.
EROS, I am 19 and my boyfriend is 25. I just recently broke
up with my fiancé to date my new boyfriend. Things are going
great, but there is one problem. I have had sex and my boyfriend
hasn't. I love him to death and want to share that experience with
him, but I also want to be respectful to him. What should I do?
We have talked about it and I told him it was his decision, but
I also want it to happen sometime soon. Can you please give me some
advice. Please respond by e-mail please. Thank you, Confused
Confused, Slow down girlfriend! There's
a lot in your letter that just screams to put the brakes on. Allow
us to elaborate:
You recently broke up with a fiancé, so you could date a
new boyfriend. Being engaged implies imminent marriage and a lifetime
commitment, not to mention monogamy. You just got out of a serious
relationship, and into a new one. Perhaps you are not sure of yourself
in a relationship?
You "love him to death and want to share that experience with him,
but also want to be respectful to him." How do you know you "love
him to death" already? You just broke up with someone you thought
you were going to marry!
You've had sex, he hasn't. You'd like to again, soon. It sounds
like you are feeling a little frustrated at the turn of events:
Sexy new boyfriend who is not ready to commit to you sexually.
advice: You've put the ball in his court and told him it was his
decision, whenever he was ready, etc. So now, sit back and relax
and be respectful of him as you said you wanted to be. Also, you're
pretty young to be making lifetime commitments. We're not saying
they never happen at your age, just that it's harder. Adults go
through huge changes in emotional maturity between 18 and 25. So
at 19, you still have a ways to go. We would advise you to slow
down, date your new boyfriend, enjoy his company, and when and if
you are both ready to engage in a sexual relationship, make sure
you are protected against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
There's a lot out there that could hurt you. We'd like you to stay
safe and healthy and happy. Good luck.
EROS, Where can I find information on the EROS clitoral
therapy device? What company makes and sells the product? Inquiring
We have not heard of any such device. We are a student-counseling
group. You may want to check with SIECUS, a nationally known sex
information and education group based in New York.
EROS, How can someone go about getting counseling if that
person feels that he/she may abuse someone? Also, would any kind
of reprimand be made against this person? Worried
We applaud your courage in even asking this question. Domestic violence
is certainly on the increase. Just check the newspaper any day of
the week. We asked Judy Schmidt-Levy at University Counseling Services
(UCS) for help with this question, and this is her reply: "Your
first question, about getting counseling is easy. UCS is available
to see any enrolled student without fee. You can call 885-2366 to
make an appointment. If you feel your situation is an emergency,
you can walk in between 8 am to 5 pm to meet with a counselor immediately.
UCS is in the Park apartments, Bldg 14, on the 4th floor. If you
or your partner are not enrolled at CSUN, we'll give you confidential
low-cost referrals to outside counselors.
question about possible reprimand is more difficult, because there
are several things to consider. If the abuse involves a child or
an elderly or disabled individual, then yes, counselors are required
by law to report the incident to the Dept. of Social Services. If
the abuse is between two adults, then counselors are not required
to report it, and will keep it confidential. You were not specific
as to whether the abuse has already occurred or may be in danger
of occurring, and this is important because it raises another possibility.
If in a counseling session you mention that you intend to harm someone,
counselors are required to inform the intended victim that you wish
to do them harm.
admire your willingness to admit that you may abuse someone. We
hope you will take advantage of our services and let us help you
start improving your situation."
am an 18 year old male and I have a question concerning my penis.
I have noticed pubic hair growing on the surface of my penis and
I don't know why. I can understand it growing on my balls, but not
"on" my penis itself. It almost looks like a rash of some type too,
however I haven't been sleeping with anyone, so I know it is not
some kind of a disease or anything, but I am too embarrassed to
ask a doctor or family. I was wondering if you knew what this strange
occurance is and what I should do about it. Thanks for listening
and being available for these questions. Signed, Bee
stumped us on this one, so we checked with Lynne Landeta, a nurse
practitioner here at the student health center, and this is her
answer: Pubic hair on the penile surface may be a developmental
change and may go away over time (you say you are only 18). We are
concerned there may also be a rash. It is best to see a provider
through the Student Health Center for an exam. There is nothing
to be embarrassed about. Your clinic visit is private and confidential.
I am a freshman in college in downtown Pittsburgh, PA. I met this
guy I have fallen in love with. We have a great friendship, but
one night we had sex. The sex was great and he knew that I was a
virgin. I am having problems with my emotions towards him now. I
really do love him and it is not because we had sex. It is the friendship
we have. He has another girlfriend in Maryland that he would drop
anyone for but I still love him. I want him all to myself even if
there is another girl in Maryland. I would do anything for him.
I know a lot about his past that no one else knows, and he trusts
me with that. I don't know what to do. Should I just try to be friends
with him even though I still love him? or should I play his game
and see other people but also see him? Sincerely,
Hooked in Pittsburgh
Thanks for writing. Your situation sounds like one of those classic
"Will sex ruin this relationship?" conundrums.There are a few things
we think you should pay attention to:
he has another girlfriend in Maryland.
he would drop anyone for her.
in a good relationship, monogamy (in heart and body) is a real asset.
appear to have neither at the moment.We hope you protected yourself
against pregnancy and STDs when you had
sex. Losing your virginity is not a good time to also get pregnant
and/or an STD. We recommend a fall back and "wait and see" approach.
If you had a good friendship, see if you can get back to it, without
the sex. One of the reasons you may know things about him that no
one else knows is precisely because you had a good friendship and
he could trust you with that information, not because you were sexually
intimate. We also recommend you have an open discussion with him
about both your feelings.
him what his intentions are. Does he want to play the field? Have
a casual relationship with you and a deeper one with the woman in
Maryland? Are there others besides the two of you? If there are,
you may be exposing yourself to a variety of infections and risking
your health. Is that ok with you? or is it going to make you crazy?
Lastly, we recommend a preventive health visit to your University's
Counseling Center. Some clarity on the nature of relationships and
what you have a right to expect of one, how much your own self-esteem
is worth, and how to communicate with a partner will move you along
the road toward healthy relationships. We wish you well on your