Wisdom of Will Rogers:
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
A white man, a black man, and a Mexican sit down at a bar. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down right next to them. The three begin an argument over who will approach her first. Used to this, the woman turns to them and says, "Listen boys, I'm a woman of culture and whichever one of you can cleverly use both the words liver and cheese in the same sentence can take me home."
"That's easy," said the white guy. "I like liver and I like cheese," as he gestures for her to come over. "Oh, not good enough!" says the woman.
With that, the black man said "Aww shoot, don't be givin' me no liver and cheese!" and starts moving towards her. "No, no! That won't do either," the woman replies with a wave of her hand.
The Mexican looks at his friends like they are nuts, walks up and puts his arm around the woman, smiles and says
. . ."Liver alone, cheese mine."
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle
. . .especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
A woman with a baby comes into the doctor's office. She is told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed" she says.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor orders. She does. He presses, kneads and pinches both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he says, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt. But I'm glad I came."
An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by association. Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"Who was the instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Umm
. . .what's that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns. . .?"
"A rose?" offered the neighbor.
"Right," said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"
A Methodist man lives in a traditional Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Methodist is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Methodist to convert him to Catholicism.
Finally, after much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Methodist to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Methodist and says, "Born a Methodist, Raised a Methodist, Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Methodist's house to remind him of his new diet.
They see him standing over a cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish."