...Alcohol Horoscopes

ARIES
Drinking style:
Impulsive Aries like to party and sometimes don't know when to
call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to participating
in shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty
flirty after a couple of drinks. Getting Aries drunk is a good way
to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can
become belligerent when smashed, but they will assume that whatever
happens should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be
counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and
done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.
TAURUS
Drinking style:
Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow
rather than a full on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a
one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who
spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the
preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and
barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that
the Bull is by any means a teetotaler (one who abstains from alcohol) -- god,
 no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, 
some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke 
bar when intoxicated.
GEMINI
Drinking style:
 Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so
naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell
sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusions,
then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of
intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic
ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very
tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different
cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme
(like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own
amusement.
CANCER
Drinking style:
Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an
after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer
darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard
against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties
and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style,
Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional"
(read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping
stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your 
favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The
 sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up 
vanilla vodka and soda.
LEO
Drinking style:
Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and
usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity
and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling --
Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably
because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed,
expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what brung
them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to 
ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung 
over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.
VIRGO
Drinking style:
Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their
famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other
signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking
down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked
-- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but
there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when
walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo
friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of
intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!
 
LIBRA
Drinking style:
 
"I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn
social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to
everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend
device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little
instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as
they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which
can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly
boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's
beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!
SCORPIO
Drinking style:
 
Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you
and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog whimpering
drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if
you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to
savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if
depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally,
they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and
dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you
did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.
SAGITTARIUS
 Drinking styles:
In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness:
When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own.
Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is
a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of
Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're
the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire
crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or
Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high
possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty
call).
CAPRICORN
Drinking style:
Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and
 status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological 
cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie
Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star:
independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to
please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble?
But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, 
and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy
the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.
AQUARIUS
Drinking style:
Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water,
that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if
they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a
stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however,
they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they
make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're
usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best-designated
drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist):
Aquarius is fascinated by drunken people and capable of holding 
interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
PISCES
Drinking style:
If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign
-- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and
Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy,
out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty
tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other
hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or
in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of
margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive
personality" can be read two ways, you know.
 
			                  Take me  home...please!!