Real Cops come from all walks of life, but some make the transition more easily than others. Real Cops are veterans; former SEALS, Green Berets or fighter pilots. Professional bouncers and former NFL linebackers have good backgrounds for becoming Real Cops, as do steel workers and longshoremen. Few authors, English teachers, nuns, or interior decorators make it in the ranks of Real Cops.
Real Cops rarely have college degrees and NEVER have postgraduate degrees. A Real Cop learns everything he needs to know on the street. He goes to advanced officer training only when he's ordered to, but he doesn't like it one bit. He did like the Academy, though. It reminded him of boot camp.
Real Cops like civilians to call them "Officer," while their friends call them by their last names. Really close friends may address Real Cops by their nicknames. Real Cops have nicknames like "Bubba," "Slugger," "Animal," and "Babe."
REAL COP HEROES: Clint Eastwood, Archie Bunker, J. Edgar Hoover, Charles Bronson, Judge Roy Bean, Samuel L. Colt, Ronald Reagan, Alvin York, Dr. Richard J. Gatling, John Wayne, the entire Spanish Inquisition.
REAL COP ANTI-HEROES: Jerry Brown, Erik Estrada, Timothy Leary, Richard Simmons, Charles Manson, Rose Bird, the entire U.S. Supreme Court.
Real Cops wear sunglasses, day and night. They usually wear Ray-Ban aviators. Although they usually work with the dark-green or mirror lenses, yellow shooting glasses are perfectly acceptable. A Real Cop never wears any glasses purchased at K-Mart or made in France, and he has no idea who's behind those Foster Grants.
Real Cops work in uniform. They wear custom-tailored wool summer and winter alike. You could cut yourself on their military creases. They don't wear whistle lanyards. Their pants have sap pockets and a Real Cop uses them for what God intended. A Real Cop won't EVER wear a dickie. He won't even say the word.
Real Cops polish their badges, but only when they know an inspection is coming up. They preserve the finish with spar varnish...never with nail polish. Real Cops don't wear shooting badges. They wear notches on their guns.
Underneath his uniform, a Real Cop wears a T-shirt and white, genuine "Jockey" brand underwear. He doesn't wear colored shorts, leopard-skin shorts, low-rise briefs, fishnet, Calvin Klein, or anything made by Fruit-Of-The-Loom. A Real Cop won't have anything to do with fruit, and he sure as hell doesn't want it in his shorts.
Real Cops have mustaches. Full ones. They wear their sideburns squared off, with no taper. Real Cops don't own blow dryers, fro combs, or rat-tailed brushes. A Real Cop's hair is too short to be affected by any of these things. Most Real Cops think that "blow dry" is some new euphemism for a perverted act.
Off-duty Real Cops stay in good shape. They like active sports like baseball, football (tackle only), shot-put, weight lifting, arm wrestling, ice hockey, and beer drinking. Real Cops drink Budweiser and Michelob; none of these unhealthy "light" or foreign beers. Real Cops never get involved in trendy sports like racquetball or roller disco.
On-duty Real Cops drink coffee and drink it black. They never eat doughnuts on duty. They call them "gut bombs."
WORDS USED BY REAL COPS: Adam, Henry, barfbag, dirtbag, dogbreath, douchebag, fairy, hairball, maggot, puke, punk, scrote, scumbag, slimeball, wimp.
WORDS NEVER USED BY REAL COPS: Anti-social homopath, awesome, barf-out, détente, dialogue, gag me with a spoon, gnarly, grody, maladjusted, mentally disordered, miscreant, perpetrator, rad, rapport, recidivist, tubular, tush. (NOTE: These words may be used by Real Cops when being interviewed by the press.)
On duty, Real Cops always carry a weapon that complies with department policy. He prefers a Beretta, in .9MM or larger. Colts are a little too dressy for the Real Cop. He carries his off-duty weapon as a backup (most Real Cops carry three or four such weapons at all times).
A Real Cop's off-duty weapon is always of larger caliber than his department-issued weapon, usually .45 auto. He uses the heaviest ammunition that he can find and cross-cuts the noses to maximize their spread on impact.
A Real Cop's leather gear is black basketweave with snaps. Velcro and Clarino are for wimps.
A Real Cop doesn't carry a Monodanock, a Yawara stick or a Kubaton. A Real Cop carries a straight stick. It's made out of hickory and makes a crack like a homerun when you use it. The sound reminds the Real Cop of Reggie Jackson knocking one into the bleachers.
A Real Cop doesn't carry a quartz-halogen Streamlight; he isn't afraid of the dark. A Real Cop carries a 6-cell Kel-light. It hasn't worked for years. The batteries are wrapped in lead foil to add weight to it. He keeps a toothbrush and a little bleach in his locker to clean foreign matter out of the knurling.
Real Cops don't wear Oxfords, half-boots, flight boots or special orthopedic Thorogood shoes. They wear G.I. combat boots, spitshined. They lace up--no zippers. They have Vibram soles.
A Real Cop's patrol car is blue. He might drive a white unit if forced to, but he would NEVER set foot in one painted in pastel colors or color-accent stripes. The Real Cop's patrol car is equipped with lights and siren and heavy-duty push bars which he uses to terminate pursuits. A Remington 870 pump shotgun is mounted upright on the dashboard. The patrol car has no prisoner cage. A Real Cop can control his prisoners without one. The Real Cop's patrol car is equipped with a desmogged V-8 and a heavy-duty alternator. It burns leaded gas and always smells like scorched asbestos. The air cleaner lid is turned upside down so the car breathes better, or may even have been thrown away altogether. A Real Cop never checks the oil or water...he wasn't hired for that sort of work. He just drives his assigned unit as fast as it will go until the engine pukes, then he calls for a tow truck and walks away from it.
(NOTE: A Real Cop's patrol car hasn't been made for a long time. The last one was the 1976 Dodge Monaco police pursuit package with a 440-cubic-inch engine and Positraction rear end.)
Real Cops drive with their windows rolled down, rain or shine. They write citations for 20 over the limit. They don't stop cars with burnt-out license plate lamps; they stop them for exhibition of speed, vehicular manslaughter, and drunk driving. Real Cops work radar out of the car, standing in the number one lane. They hold the radar unit in a two-handed combat stance and flag down the offenders. A driver always stops for a Real Cop.
Real Cops don't use a pursuit case or attaché case. A Real Cop carries all his extra gear in a tote bag. The tote bag is either black, or red with the Marine Corps bulldog logo. Inside is a sawed-off 12-gauge shotgun, extra rounds for both the shotgun and his sidearms (Real Cops learned from the SLA shoot-out and don't want to get caught short), camouflage greasepaint, extra handcuffs (Peerless, no flexcuffs), some binoculars and a couple of frag grenades.
A Real Cop's own car is a lot like his patrol car. It's an American-made car or pickup with a V-8 and oversized blackwall tires. It may have decals from PORAC, the NRA, Ruger, or the United States Marine Corps. You will never see a rainbow decal, smiling face, or USM decal on a Real Cop's personal vehicle. The car is equipped with a push-button AM radio. He listens to news, weather, and sports.
Real Cops wear as distinctive a uniform off duty as they wear on duty. Real Cops wear genuine Levis, western shirts from Sears-Roebuck, and baseball caps with the initials of their agency. Real Cops do not wear designer jeans, Dolfin shirts, Alligator shirts, Hawaiian floral prints, or gold chains. Real Cops wear Pendleton shirts and windbreakers to cover their weapon, which they always carry.
Real Cops. It's a way of life.
Now you know the ideal, the standard of perfection by which you and your peers are measured. How do you stack up? Anything less than a Real Cop is a wimp. Better shoot for the top. A Real Cop always does.