How a Memory Foam Mattress ...
Made Me Lose My Job, Lose My Girlfriend, and Made Me a Fugitive From Justice
Memory foam mattresses are all over the place nowadays, especially in California. California is filled mostly with yuppies and granola eaters, so anything that's healthy and expensive is bound to be a hit. I first started looking into getting a memory foam mattress in my senior year of college in California. At the time I was sleeping on a second hand Salvation army mattress, which had been owned either by a young child or very old person, judging by the yellow stains. Of course it was certified by the California department of health as being safe for retail sale, but so are cigarettes. In any case, I needed a new bed, and I set my sights on a memory foam mattress.
My memory foam mattress shopping experience was relatively uneventful. I went to a few stores, and finally found a brand called Sleep Aid, which seemed like the best option. I had a bit of a tiff with my boss on the same day the memory foam mattress was delivered, by California Trucking. He kept insisting that I come to work on time, and just would not shut up about it. He was also very adamant about me not sleeping in my cubicle. With no memory foam mattress, you have to get your sleep where you can. I thought he was being a little uptight, and I told him so. He then leaned very close to me and said, with the kind of rancid coffee breath that only mid-level managers possess, "one more time Campbell. Come in late one more time, and you're out on your can." I listened attentively, nodding once in a while in agreement, and then went back to sleep in my ergonomic office chair, dreaming about my new memory foam mattress.
The memory foam mattress was already on my doorstep when I got home, warmed up by the California sunshine, and I unwrapped it eagerly, and lay down immediately. It was heaven! It was spectacular! It had... kind of a funny smell, but the instructions said that was normal. In any case, my new memory foam mattress was several thousand times more comfortable than my crappy second hand bed, and I was almost drifting off when my girlfriend came through the front door, saw me on my memory foam bed, and kicked me in the ribs. Not in a good way though. She was pissed. "Where the hell were you?"
All day, I knew I was forgetting something. Turns out it was Amy. I was supposed to meet her for lunch, but ended up eating Hot Pockets in the break room instead. She said some other stuff, and before storming out, she told me that if I didn't meet her tomorrow, at 12 sharp at the Applebees on California Blvd., I could "find a new girlfriend to ignore." It did make an impression on me, I swear, but I was lost in the memory foam mattress.
I dozed on my memory foam mattress for about an hour, and got up to get my court papers together. I had to appear the next day at 2:00 pm to challenge a citation from the lovely California Highway Patrol. That is an even longer story than this one, so I won't go into it, but I can tell you that it involved a chicken burrito, my all-state pitching arm, and some jerk who cut me off. Now if I missed my court date the next day, I'd end up with an arrest warrant for assault with a deadly Mexican dish. California law enforcement does not take these things lightly. So this brought to three the number of critical, life changing events that would occur for me tomorrow. On time to work, don't forget the girlfriend, defend my burrito hurling. I reflected upon this as I laid down on my new memory foam mattress and slowly drifting into coma like sleep. I bet you can see where this is going.
I woke up on my memory foam mattress the next day. Not that I said "day", and not "morning". The California sun was high, and the clock said 2:30 pm. That's right. Long story short, my Sleep Aid mattress was so super-fly, dope, and even "poppin", that I slept in. I slept in a lot. There were three voicemails on my machine, which pretty much summed up my life. One said "you're fired!", the next one said, "It's over!" and the last one said, "surrender at the nearest precinct to avoid arrest." It was not shaping up to be a good day, so I rolled over, and went right back to sleep on my new memory foam mattress.